Counting down

I find myself watching Emma these days, listening to her little (and sometimes loud) voice and although Ive always been one of those hands on, touchy feely Mama's I find myself reaching out and stroking her hair even more often, gathering her up for a quick snuggle, breathing in her scent. Ive heard other moms question how they will ever love their second child as much as their first... I myself dont worry about that. I love this little being inside me very much already... but I do wonder how it will be with two, how will I manage to give my all to my first, when I have to give some to the new one. How will she feel not having all the attention, how will I feel missing out on "our" time. She is the one who made me a Mama, who taught me so much about this parenting thing, the one in this world who I love like no other. I dont feel guilt exactly on creating this second baby, but I do feel nervous about being a mom to two. Emma is so wonderful, so smart and funny, shy and caring... she loves crafts and princesses and imaginative play. She makes up little stories, talking in her little singsong voice to her babies and stuffies and little princesses... then the next minute she is singing loud and proud for all to hear. I look at her sometimes and wonder how I got so lucky, how did we create this sweet funny little child. I would like to take credit but I think we literally just got lucky. And as much as I look forward to this final countdown to baby number two, and imagine what its little face will look like, imagine breathing in that sweet newborn smell... I am storing up all these last moments as a mom of one... breathing in my girl who I love so much. Listening, loving, watching...

Wherever You Are - Nancy Tillman

.

I wanted you more
than you will ever know,
so I sent love to follow
wherever you go

It's high as you wish it. It's quick as an elf.
You'll never outgrow it... it stretches itself

So climb any mountain...
climb up to the sky!
My love will find you.
My love can fly!

Make a big splash! Go out on a limb!
My love will find you. My love can swim!

It never gets lost, never fades, never ends...

If you're working...
Or playing...
Or sitting with friends.

You can dance 'til you're dizzy...
Paint 'til you're blue...
There's no place, not one,
that my love can't find you.

And if someday you're lonely,
or someday you're sad,
or you strike out at baseball,
or think you've been bad...

just lift up your face, feel the wind in your hair.
That's me, my sweet baby, my love is right there.

In the green of the grass... in the smell of the sea...
in the clouds floating by... at the top of a tree,,,
in the sound crickets make at the end of the day...

"You are loved. You are loved. You are loved," they all say.

My love is so high, and so wide and so deep,
it's always right there, even when you're asleep.

So hold your head high
and don't be afraid
to march to the front
of your own parade.

If you're still my small babe
or you're all the way grown,
my promise to you
is you're never alone.

You are my angel, my darling,
my star... and my love will find you,
wherever you are.

You are loved.

Emma Boo is 2!

2 years ago tonight I was laying on this very same couch drugged up on ativan, and having contractions lasting one minute long, coming less than a minute apart. I was in and out of sleep, waking to contractions or Kalli Dog trying to rip my IV out of my hand or bite my hospital bracelet off. It was a long night. I was in labour and had signed myself out of the hospital in frustration and anger at the 3 days of labour with no baby in sight that I had just endured. This night spent on my couch would be my last night as just a woman, instead of a mother. Emma would be born less that 24 hours later and would change my life completely.

Tomorrow she turns 2. How time flies. Mostly I cant believe that was 2 whole years ago, but then sometimes it feels like forever. I no longer remember every minute of labour like it was yesterday, or even those 6 weeks of minimal sleep while she got her internal clock figured out that followed. I didn't think I would ever forget those - or that I would live through it. But I did, and she did, and we figured it all out together. I haven't forgotten that I told Brendan one morning in a sleep deprived state that we were going to have to give Emma up for adoption, that I just couldn't deal with a newborn, that I wasn't cut out to be a mom after all. Thankfully I realized the words coming out of my mouth were crazy and let that go.

I would be a different person today if I wasn't Emma's mom. She has made me laugh more, love more, learn more, grow more, want more. She has made me a mommy and I am so forever grateful. She is the most beautiful child, not only on the outside, but more importantly on the inside. She is loving and sweet, but not malleable, she has a temper and a will and is so so smart. She is adventurous and caring and silly. She just dazzles. She is a wonderful combination of her daddy and I. Together somehow we made this little amazing person who really combines the best of both of us. We went through quite a bit to have her and I am really thankful to God for giving us her. She is the light of my life, and I only hope that we have a long healthy and happy life together. I cant wait to see her grow, to go to school, to learn, to dance, to love... to become all that she was meant to be.

Oh Emma Boo, how I adore you. Thank you for finding me, I am so happy to know you. Happy Birthday!

Beautiful little you

Today you were playing quietly across the room, when suddenly you said "mommy", then ran over to where I was sitting on the couch with my legs up on the coffee table. Once again you said "mommy" in the sweetest little voice, so I said "Emma" and again you said "mommy", laying your face against my legs. Over and over you would repeat "mommy" and I would say "Emma" while you cuddled up to my legs and smiled the sweetest smile at me.

It was all so cute and adorable and sweet that I actually teared up with such love for you in my heart.

I love you so much baby girl, so so much. 

I want to remember

I want to remember that this week you have started to love on your baby dolls. Suddenly you need them to go everywhere with you. You like them to go in the car with us, you need them to go in your crib with you for naps and nighttime. You push them around in your doll stroller and hug and kiss them. Sometimes you throw them on the floor on their heads - but mostly you just love them.

I want to remember how when you fall, or need comforting, it is almost always me you want. No matter who is around, if I am there you want to come to me for a cuddle snuggle to make it all better. Sometimes when I am busy I forget and wish you would just go to your daddy, but then once you snuggle in, and lay your head on my shoulder I remember, that these are the sweet spot moments that I live for... and for as long as you need me to comfort you, to fix your owies - I will be there.

I want to remember how sweet your little voice is now that you are talking more. You repeat many words these days and I just love hearing you explore words and sounds - singing and yelling and talking. It is so cool.

I want to remember how it feels to sing you to sleep at night. Lately you have been having a little bit of separation anxiety, and dont like to be just put to bed so I have been singing to you at night. And no matter how upset you are you always settle when I start singing...

This little light of mine, Im gonna let it shine

This little light of mine, Im gonna let it shine

This little light of mine, Im gonna let it shine

Let is shine, let it shine, let it shine.

Everywhere I go, Im gonna let it shine

Everywhere I go, Im gonna let it shine

|Everywhere I go, Im gonna let it shine

Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.

Jesus gave it to me, Im gonna let it shine

Jesus gave it to me, Im gonna let it shine

Jesus gave it to me, Im gonna let it shine

Let it shine, let it shine, let it shine.

I want to remember how much you love my Gir Cat. You love all your animals, but have a special bond with Gir. You are always patting him, and walking up and laying your head on his side while he's laying down. You give him kisses, and last night I watched you go take a clean dish towel from the laundry pile and walk over to cover him up with it as he was sleeping. You wrapped it around him just like it was a blanket, gave him a little pat and walked away. It just about melted my heart.

These are just a few of the things I want to remember about you right now my sweet girl.

There used to be a photo of my mom giving me a bath in the kitchen sink when I was a newborn... I always thought it was cute and decided to give Emma a bath in our sink tonight. She seemed to enjoy it and in all honesty it was simpler than using her baby bath and quicker than me having a bath with her. I think I see many more "sink baths" in our future! :)

Emma has a cold and was not very happy this afternoon so in an effort to stop her screaming I let her feed herself... mmmm rice cereal! :)

It was cold today but Kalli needed exercise so we bundled Emma up and headed to Dogwood Park so the dog could have some attention. Emma looked pretty cute in her little fleece sleeper.

Today Emma and I went to Halzemere Pumkin Patch with Lani, Sam, Leesa, Carson and Brea. It was a gorgeous day... and really a lot of fun!! There was a petting zoo, and a tractor ride out to the pumkin patch. Emma was more interested in eating straw and playing in the dirt than the pumpkins but she still enjoyed it. Next year will be even more fun when she's able to walk around and choose her own pumpkin :)

The first taste of food!!

Puppy Love!!